Daddy's Coming Honey!


Upon entering the second trimester, the female begins to show. By show, I mean her stomach suddenly grows ever so slightly, out of proportion with the rest of her body. She will no longer exhibit “morning sickness”, the perfect name for a sickness that lasts TWENTY FOUR FREAKING HOURS A DAY. Semantic issues aside, scholars maintain that the morning being referred to is the “morning” of the pregnancy, i.e. the first trimester.

Consider the case of my wife. Over the past few months she has said no to sushi, cheerios, bananas, eggs, most items containing bread, botan rice candies and, for the sake of time, most items the stomach can normally digest. Today we had sushi, muffins, and pizza. No, not in the same meal, you dipwad. We are now entering phase II. Exit crappa phase; enter happiphase.

As the uterus begins to expand to about 20 times its original size, the pregnant female will begin to gain weight, concentrated in the stomach area. The first half of this phase is called the DS phase: Dangerous Speculation, meaning that if a stranger or distant acquaintance notices the woman, he will wonder if she is pregnant, but if he is intelligent he will find out from another source before asking her directly. If he is wrong, he will enter into a point-of-no-return identified by anthropological humorist Brian Regan as “When’s that—BABY due?”, wherein one immediately recognizes one’s mistake, though it is too late. Therefore, most wise men will wait until well into the second half of the second trimester, and quite possibly the third, before vocalizing and conjectures as to the impregnation of a woman.

During this time the male of the species may begin to put on a considerable of pounds, known as “sympathy weight.” In other words: “Honey, I’m sorry you have to go through all these hormonal problems. Are you going to eat that, by the way?”

We may also notice that during this second trimester the woman will begin to gain some of her energy back. Combined with the fact that she no longer vomits at the taste of toothpaste, this is extremely beneficial. This is, by the way, well after the bosom has begun to increase. Shall we move on?

It is also at this point that the human fetus begins to actually appear to human eyes as having taken on a human shape. The embryonic child can now yawn, wave, stretch, stand on its head, do backflips, and even perform “Double Dream Hands.” Before long, the baby will begin to pee for the first time. Captivating.

Did I mention that women can wear this girdle-like thing now to keep their pants on while unbuttoned? We need these for men.

On a sad note, it is at this time in the pregnancy that the husband may be tempted by the opportunity of an extra-marital affair. In this case, the affair has taken the form of Batman: Arkham City. Please pray for me.


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